Cheesey Cubey Thing
by Fair Lady of S
Summary: My first IZ story. Be afraid. You've been warned.
1. Doom...doom

[A/N: As you should know, I don't own the IZ characters. Gawd I wish I did.  
But I do own Ciar, the wolf that will eventually make a cameo in this fic.]  
  
  
Once there was a wicked, wicked hamster with unholy powers.  
No one cared.  
  
  
In other news...  
  
"CHANGA CHANGA BLUE!" screamed Boobichoobi, the pshycotic school bus driver to the dismay of his  
momma-wailin' charges. One of the children, an odd pointy-haired fellow fought his way through  
the terrified masses of his peers to the driver.  
  
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU CRAZY MONKEY?!" The big-headed child cried frantically, waving his thumbed  
hands in the face of Boobichoobi. Boobichoobi's jaw unhinged and he screamed in an ungodly way,  
sending the earth-stink to the filthy bus-floor.  
  
  
Zim looked up with a disturbing grunt from his pleasent day dream into the sinisterly  
glowing spectacles of Ms. Bitters. The horrible old woman hissed and dissolved, reappearing behind her desk.  
  
"You doomed children. You and a doomed partner must create a doomed report upon the perpetual  
doom of the doomed doominess of the...CHEESE CUBE!!!!!!"  
  
A few children screamed, and Old Kid fell to the floor, writhing, spit foaming at the corners of his mouth.  
Zim jerked, arms spasming. He whispered in an evil-sounding undertone.  
  
"The cheese...the cheese cubey...cheese."  
  
Dib screamed a karate-scream and backflipped out of his desk, landing spreadeagled on the floor before Zim's desk.  
The irken squealed with body-shaking throes of laughter. Dib moaned, rubbing his head and staggered to his feet, scowling.  
  
"Laugh it up, alien. I personally know after watching a very special TWO-HOUR *echo* ... episode of Mysterious Mysteries that  
explained the lactose intolerance-y stuff....of you alien creatures. THE CHEESE WILL BE YOUR DOOOOOOOOM!"  
  
Zim laughed again, slamming his hands down on the rickety desk.  
  
"Silence, human-weasel-monkey. I know much of the cheese. SO MUCH!"  
  
He twitched for a few seconds. Ms. Bitters growled and flew over to the two rivals.  
  
"Since you two doomy children are so...pally, YOU MUST BE PARTNERS!"  
  
Dib smiled smugly at Zim's utter surprise and dismay.  
  
"But...sir...the...human...worm...like me, of course...is...not...good! HE SMELLS LIKE FEET!"  
  
Bitters grumbled again and bore down upon the other children forcing them to be partners with mortal enemies.  
  
"Shut up, Zim. Now that we are "partners", we must spend "time" together, meaning....I CAN STUDY YOUR HORRIBLE, EARTH DESTROY-YNESS  
FURTHER!" Dib cried.  
  
Zim smacked him smartly across his broad forehead, sending him again sprawling to the floor. This gave the green child  
great pleasure and he laughed. 


	2. ARTiFiCiAL PLASTiC CHEEEEESE!

DUNDUNDUN...the Chapter of Doom!  
Not.  
  
  
  
Gaz listened to her pitiful brother boast about his pitiful life.  
They were walking home, as usual, Gaz focusing all attention and senses to her Game Slave   
while Dib, oblivous to the fact she didn't care, rambled on about Zim. Gaz supressed the  
urge to hurt/maim/impail her brother when he mentioned the partnership on the Cheese Cube report.  
  
Gaz froze, somewhat atleast, she continued to play, midstep.  
  
"You and...die piggy...that freaky Zim are going to be working together on a project at OUR  
HOUSE?"  
  
Dib was just as amazed as Gaz that'd she'd been listening to him. He jumped up and down a few  
times. "Yes, Gaz...on the project thing. But I hope to actually infiltrate his base so that I can..."  
  
Dib's moronic voice droned on and Gaz tuned him out once more, and resumed her walk.  
...so, if Dib is at Zim's house, that means he won't be at our house...which means i'll be alone...  
A gleeful, uncharacteristic grin spread across her face, earning an odd look from Dib.  
  
"Do you know what this means, Gaz? It means I can finally get proof, REAL proof Zim's an alien  
and SAVE THE WORLD!"  
  
Gaz scowled darkly. "Dib. If you want to save the world, go join some monkey-rights group. That, or, prepare to die."  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, Gir sat on the tiled floor of Zim's lab, crunchin happily away on some "chips" which were really stale cardboard and some  
"cheese" which was really orange plastic that got melted for five seconds with some artificial flavoring sprinkled in. He'd stole it from some school in Florida.  
"Whatcha doin', master?" He questioned, wiping excess spit and the liquid stuff disguised in as food from his mouth with the back of a hand.  
Zim cackled manaically for a few moments, in which Gir lost interest and went to find his Pig. Zim finally quieted  
down and explained his diabolical plan to, well, no one, since Gir left.  
  
"When the human-fool comes over this afternoon, I will destroy him immediately. First the gnomes...yes...the GNOMES! Will   
corner him in front of the door, and then, he will expect a warm, happy welcome from his Cheese partner, but instead he will succumb to the mighty powers  
of the HURTY RAY!" Zim laughed again, this time interrupted by Gir's happy-go-lucky voice over the intercom.  
  
"Hey, uhm, Master, your little friend's here. I let him in. We were watchin' the Scary Monkey, but he said he needed to see your labby stuff.  
So I flushed 'im down the toilet, okiedokie?! WEEEEHEEEEEHEEEEE!" And then there was static.  
  
Zim cried out as though attacked by stray weasels when he caught sight of Dib, in his lab.  
  
  
  
[A/N: Short chapter...hadda brain freezesh! Anyway, tons of hugs to y'all that commented! THANK YOU! BTW, the part about the nachos,  
it's a little inside joke a coupla people I know have going on. ^_^] 


	3. Surround sound and Ciar...bliss.

Gir turned up the volume on the TV to drown out Zim's screaming. He grinned and turned to Pig.  
"Hey, Pig! It's the Scary Monkey! I know, I love him too!" The buzzing of the flies around the retarded monkey used up the  
surround sound, masking all of Zim's horrified wailing.  
  
  
"ERRRRRRH, WHY?! WHY ARE YOU HERE, EARTH-STINK?!"  
Dib grinned at Zim's rhetorical question and answered anyway. "Your defective robot let me in, alien. Better take him into the  
shop and get a tune up!" He laughed, before Zim pressed a button on the panel before him, sending a airtight contanier over the  
human, sealing him immediatly. Zim cackled, walking toward the glass cylinder.   
"GIR! Come down here!" He called over the intercom and Gir sped down the toilet hole, landing with a thud on the   
floor before DIb and Zim. The robot jumped up immediately and pressed his face against the glass of Dib's confinement, making  
rude faces.  
"GIR!" Zim barked again. "Take this...CHEESE-CHILD...upstairs and MAKE SURE he doesn't come down here again. Do you understand?!"  
  
Gir was silent for a minute and nodded. "Yes. I think...wait..." He was silent again, then broke the silence by screaming: "WHOOSHY!",  
grabbed Dib and skipped off, presumably to the couch.  
  
Zim grinned. "Perfect. Now, I will finish the HURTY RAY...and blast Dibbo when he secondly least expects it! So...genius."  
  
  
Gir sat nearly motionless on the couch, eyes focused entirely on the TV. His hand rose up for no apparent reason,  
probably just dramatic affect, revealing the fact he and Dib were chained together at the wrist. Dib sulked, a hand propping  
up his massive cranium. "Hey...robot." He questioned, glancing sidelong at the entranced Gir. "Do you always listen to Zim?"  
Gir "blinked" and looked at Dib. "Hey, Big Headed Kid, you want some popcorn? Do ya want some popcorn? Do ya want some?"  
Dib sighed and looked away, convinced there was no manner of escape. "No, robot, I don't want any..." His voice faded as he looked  
to the place Gir previously occupied. Scatterbrained as he was, Gir'd unlocked his side of the handcuffs and went into the kitchen  
and put some popcorn in the microwave [A/N: Do they have a mircowave? Er...] and pushed a whole lot of random buttons.  
Dib saw his opportinity, jumped from the couch, raced across the room and into the kitchen and flushed himself down the  
toilet, all with much more stealth than he'd practiced earlier.   
Gir had paused in his "cooking" to watch Dib's aerial tactics, then shrugged and went back to poking buttons.  
  
***  
  
In other, stranger places[okay, across the street], a sullen creature by the name of Ciar knawed pointlessly on a cheese flavored raw hide chew toy.  
Some wicked child known as "Lady S." had captured him and imprisioned him in her "home". How he would give to be released back   
into the wilds of his homeland, Cloud Wolf Valley. To romp, to mangle, to rule. His dark eyes grew dewy. Lady S. [A/N:Yes, me] marched in abruptly,  
sucking on a container of salt. Ciar looked up expectantly and questioned her. "Greetings again, imbecile. Brought me more food, yes?"  
Lady S. scowled and slammed her skull against the desk of her computer, which did not intimidated the wolf in the least.  
"NO! HOW CAN YOU BE SO UNRESPECTFUL* TO ME?! HOOOOOOOOW? I CREATED YOU! I AM YOUR MOTHER!" By this time the rambucious 13 year old  
had begun foaming at the mouth, like she did every thursday afternoon at 3:00. Ciar sighed and looked away from his "mother"  
and back to the disgusting bit of deformed cow bone. The nasty cheese-crap had already begun to stain the carpet. He shrugged.  
"Not my problem." And went back to knawing, Lady S.'s grumbles in the background, mingling with the narcotic jingle of Bloaty's Pizza Hog.  
  
  
[A/N: Another sorry for the lame chapter. Forgive me. Anyway, unrespectful= a result of my idiotic vocabluary. The very Ciar  
was arguing with someone and told them she was "unrespectful". It's not really a word, but I felt smart for using it. Bully.] 


	4. Partyyyyy

Yay! I'm finally updating! Woooo!  
  
  
  
Gir smiled giddily at his swine comadre.  
  
"Hey Pig! Let's have a party!" He exclaimed, forgetting entirely he had been no where  
near Pig in the last chapter. Who cares.  
  
Pig squealed...in agreement? ...who knows... and Gir jumped up from his perch on the   
couch, dragging the farm animal with him.  
  
"Ehhhhhhh....c'mon Pig! Let's call all our friends!" The robot procedded to the phone  
and punched random numbers into the device, giggling like a Japanese school-girl when old  
ladies and zombies answered.  
  
  
  
"Come to mah partah!" he screamed into the reciever, then slammed it down and procedded to phone  
everyone on Earth with disturbing speed. Within minutes, huge sweating throngs of people  
and musk oxen filled the small house. There was naturally a great amount of noise.  
  
This disturbed Zim.  
  
He abandoned his Dibby-torture for the moment and stared at the ceiling.  
  
"Computer!" He shrieked upward, and the ceiling disappeared and the smelly herd was depoisted  
on his base's floor. Zim screamed and tore at his eyeballs, which, needless to say,  
brought him much discomfort. Dib saw this as his opportunity to escape, and leapt from his confinements,  
pushing his way through the throbbing masses of earth-filth. Zim, eyes covered with bandaids  
in that slapstick cartoon "comedy" way, groaned in displeaurse as he noted his captor had escaped.  
He called for Gir, who catapulted over a large gaggle of obese ex-boxers and landed at his  
masters feet, hand plastered to his forehead in a salute.  
  
"Find the human-monkey and bring him to me!" He commanded, and ignored Gir's babblings about  
the nutrional value of tiger spleens. Dib could not get away this time...he knew too much.  
  
  
  
BUM BUM BUM!  
  
Chicka-chicka-screeeee!  
  
The dramatic music filled the base, followed by a rhythmic scratching. All eyes turned to the  
corner, where the sound had emerged from. Sighs of relief were heard when everyone realized it  
was just Pig. Pig the DJ.  
  
  
  
  
----  
Short, humorless chapter. Poo. 


End file.
